| Most of you know that my podcast co-host, best | | | | Really now. It's a downright silly thought. What |
| friend and overall "main squeeze" Emily and I are | | | | guy feels that passionately towards flowers, table |
| getting married in December. I couldn't be a | | | | settings, elaborate dresses and throwing social |
| happier guy about that. After all, she's a fantastic | | | | parties? Even if he did, there's no way he could |
| woman. This means, of course, we've spent | | | | wrestle control of such from the bride while |
| much of the last month since our engagement | | | | remaining engaged. |
| (which happened during "X & Y On The Fly" | | | | Exactly! Wedding ceremonies and receptions are |
| podcast episode 11) planning our wedding and | | | | all about the bride. I mean, the guy involved |
| everything associated with it. Over the course of | | | | doesn't even have a real title--he's just there to |
| that relatively brief period of time, I've already | | | | "groom" the bride! Therefore, everything involved |
| come to a profound conclusion. | | | | with planning such things is utterly feminine. |
| Real men don't plan weddings. | | | | Us guys really find it all rather tedious. To us |
| Don't get me wrong. I am not saying that real | | | | wedding planning is like one big, protracted trek to |
| men don't get married. Quite the contrary. Most | | | | the mall for shoe shopping. |
| good men seek to find genuine love with one | | | | Oh sure. We go along when absolutely necessary |
| great woman sooner than later, and look forward | | | | to "show support" and to make sure "we |
| to coming home to her every night. And that's a | | | | approve". But heaven help us if we didn't |
| great thing. | | | | "approve" of something along the way. It would |
| That said, however, I believe I've come up with a | | | | mean being dragged to more prospective |
| previously undetected reason why men seem to | | | | "settings" festooned with Gazebos and year-round |
| have trouble taking that step towards the | | | | Christmas lights. So the women...Emily |
| "lifetime commitment" of marriage. Thousands (if | | | | included...typically get the rubber stamp from the |
| not millions) of women everywhere have long | | | | "Groom". |
| wondered how a man can be so eager to have | | | | Guys like me would have been happy just to go |
| her around month after month without "popping | | | | to the JP and get on with it, maybe draining a |
| the question". Months can turn into years, and still | | | | few "cold ones" afterwards. Even when wrapped |
| no ring and no date. | | | | up in a more "formal" wedding, we all don't want |
| Is it really that all of these men are "commitment | | | | or need any elaborate consideration. Just rent me |
| phobes" who are looking for "better options"? | | | | the same tux the other guys are wearing. No |
| Possibly. But if that were the case, why would | | | | biggee. |
| those same guys be spending so much time | | | | Despite my ranting, all of this deep thought really |
| sitting around watching the tube and drinking beer | | | | has helped me put things into perspective and I |
| instead of searching out "options"? It all just | | | | accept my short-term lot in life gladly. I won't |
| doesn't add up, does it? | | | | begrudge the bride her wedding planning bliss one |
| Well, ladies (and gentlemen), the sensible | | | | bit. |
| explanation for all of this is disarmingly simple, | | | | Here's why. |
| although most likely subliminal in the mind of every | | | | For a woman, this really is her one chance |
| guy it affects. | | | | (hopefully) to live out all of her fantasies |
| It's not that we're afraid of marriage or | | | | associated with being a "Disney Princess" and |
| commitment. It's that we are utterly terrified of | | | | throwing the big party to back it up. |
| planning the wedding. | | | | Obviously, every business owner who ever |
| I first presented this groundbreaking hypothesis to | | | | touches a wedding already knows this. I've dealt |
| Emily, and was met with skepticism. "Oh, c'mon. | | | | with ten years' worth of obnoxious, abrasive |
| How can that be? Putting all of this together is | | | | people in the last few weeks, all of whom clearly |
| exciting. Don't you think it is fun?" | | | | on the immediate defensive vis-Ã -vis a |
| I responded simply. "I'd rather do sudoku puzzles." | | | | steady parade of highly-demanding "bridezillas" |
| She looked at me in shock. After all, I'd famously | | | | who demanded perfection. This, of course, only |
| rather do my taxes and / or watch paint dry | | | | contributed to how much more loathsome the |
| than touch any blasted sudoku puzzle with a | | | | entire process became for me. And this was |
| ten-foot pencil. At least tax returns involve | | | | before my realization that uttering the very word |
| number crunching that is actually necessary and | | | | "wedding" triggers a "surcharge mechanism"'. |
| may result in a refund check. | | | | Painful. |
| "Seriously...", I elaborated, "...name one guy you've | | | | "So..." Emily later said, "...your demeanor has |
| ever known who was excited about planning his | | | | changed about all this wedding stuff. What's up |
| wedding." | | | | with that?" |
| She named a few. After brief consideration, I | | | | My reply was thought out ahead of time and |
| countered that those guys had to have been | | | | therefore clearly stated, "Lookit. I'm fortunate to |
| merely demonstrating "sympathy excitement", | | | | be a guy. I theoretically get several chances at |
| which doesn't count. | | | | making certain lifetime dreams go off perfectly. |
| I therefore revised my challenge. "OK...well...short | | | | If, however, I only had one chance on one |
| of anyone who is a clinically-problematic 'control | | | | particular day to get one car that I wanted--and |
| freak', name one guy who ended up arranging all | | | | was committed to it for life--I would take a lot of |
| the details himself, according to his own thoughts | | | | time in getting ready for that." |
| and wishes." | | | | "And I'd support you through that process |
| "Yeah, well...you've got me there.", Emily retorted, | | | | 100%.", she said. "But I would be bored to tears |
| punctuated with a snicker. | | | | every minute of it. |