| Guilty feelings seem to be part of grief. These | | | | distinguish between forbidden thoughts and |
| feelings prolong the grief process and increase | | | | forbidden deeds." |
| your emotional work load. Grief work is hard | | | | Guilt feelings interfere with our grief work. As |
| enough without guilt. | | | | Viorst puts it, "Our mother died, our husband is |
| The death of four loved ones - my elder | | | | unfaithful, there are troubles with our health, |
| daughter, father-in-law, brother, and former | | | | troubles with work, and although we aren't inclined |
| son-in-law - within nine months sparked guilt. | | | | to shirk our obligations to our sons and daughters, |
| Multiple losses increased my guilt feelings. I | | | | we are pulled away by a host of distracting |
| wondered if guilt would become as important as | | | | emotions." |
| grief. This worry led me to Dr. David Burns' book, | | | | Keeping a "good for me" list is another way I |
| "Feeling Good," and the section on all-or-nothing | | | | fought guilt. I didn't have unlimited hours to devote |
| thinking. | | | | to my father-in-law, yet I was there for him. I |
| Burns describes this kind of thinking as "cognitive | | | | fixed up his condominium before the listing was |
| distortion," and says it is the basis for | | | | advertised. I had the walls painted, re-carpeted |
| perfectionism. Life isn't perfect, Burns points out, | | | | rooms, washed the kitchen cabinets, cleaned the |
| so we should not expect ourselves to be. "You | | | | bathrooms, bought new appliances, bought new |
| will set yourself up for discrediting yourself | | | | light fixtures (my husband installed them) and |
| endlessly because whatever you do will never | | | | removed scuff marks from walls. |
| measure up to your exaggerated expectations," | | | | A year later, I helped him move from his |
| he explains. | | | | community living apartment to a room on the |
| All-or-nothing thinking can lead to depression, so I | | | | assisted living floor. There, I hung up clothes, |
| put myself on "all-or-nothing" alert. When guilty | | | | arranged furniture, placed a folding screen |
| thoughts came to mind I switched them around. | | | | between his bed and couch to create the illusion |
| For example, I felt sad and guilty about being | | | | of a second room, and placed a bouquet of |
| estranged from my brother for 10 years. Then I | | | | flowers on the table just before he walked in the |
| reminded myself that the estrangement was his | | | | door. Dad loved his room more than the old |
| choice, not mine. Being alert to all-or-nothing | | | | apartment. |
| thinking helped me and it may help you. | | | | These are all facts. If you stick to the facts, I |
| According to Judith Viorst, there are many kinds | | | | think you will find many "good for me" moments. |
| of guilt, and she describes them in her book, | | | | You can acknowledge your guilt and take steps to |
| "Necessary Losses." She divides guilt into four | | | | fight it. Start your "good for me" list today and be |
| groups, appropriate and inappropriate, good and | | | | on the lookout for all-or-nothing thinking. Wallowing |
| bad. But the stress of grief may prevent us from | | | | in guilt is a waste of time and life. You have |
| identifying the kind or kinds of guilt we are feeling. | | | | better things to do! |
| Then there is indiscriminate guilt, "the failure to | | | | |